Daddy's back you bitches! Welcome to the first Thursday edition of Today in History folks, we've had a long break. I didn't write it on Monday or Wednesday, and I was going to tell you guys why, but then I remember that I don't actually have to. This isn't a democracy, and openness is for incompetent leaders that can't control their masses. So you guys can either grab your torches and axes handles and come beat me senseless until I tell you why I didn't post those days, or you can do the much easier thing of not caring and just read what I have to say for you today. And here we are:
September 12, 490 BCE (That's Before the Common Era for those of you who don't know, it's pretty much the same as BC, just without the whole Jesus bit... Because fucking equality, that's why)
The heavily outnumbered Greek army defeats the previously unbeatable Persian force at the Battle of Marathon. Following this battle, a guy named Pheidippides ran the 26.2 miles back to Athens to alert them of the victory, hence where we get our 26.2 mile long marathons. Upon reaching Athens, he said one word, "Victory", and then died on the spot from exhaustion. And here we thought running marathons was good for you. Still, at least he ran away AFTER the battle, isn't that right France? Wait, I can't say that anymore, since France is becoming the Texas of Europe again, so umm... Isn't that right Zanzibar?
Huge gap before we get to anything worth joking about.
September 12, 1846 - Elizabeth Barrett elopes with Robert Browning. This marriage is important because they gave birth to the M82 Barrett "Light Fifty". Robert Browning shared his .50 caliber BMG (Browning Machine Gun) round that had been designed for the M2 Browning Heavy Machine Gun, with his wife Elizabeth, who designed a semi-automatic sniper weapon system to go around it. If you're still reading this then I'm wondering why, because obviously Hunter is making up history again. I have no idea who these two people actually were, but their names were too perfect, I had to make up that story. Lemme see... Oh, no, they're just some boring poets. Never mind, no one cares. I'm gonna keep pretending they made an amazing sniper rifle, and you all should too.
September 12, 1847 - Switzerland becomes a federal state. From this point on it decides to opt out of history, and whenever war breaks out it promptly says "I'm not playing" and goes back to making cheese, knives, and diplomatic conventions.
September 12, 1874 - The District of Maple Ridge, British Columbia is founded in Canada. I have no idea if this is important or not, because why would I even bother learning something about Canada? Still, I didn't want to leave it out in case this was like Canada's World War Two, or their Independence Day, or National Secretary Day or something. They don't have big events up there like we do, so I have no idea.
September 12, 1919 - Adolf Hitler joins the German Workers Party. This was the beginning of the National Socialist Party, more commonly known as the Nazis, more hilariously known as the Nazzis. This was before it got crazy out of hand and he and his fellows just wanted more jobs for the working class, less of an income gap between the rich 1% of the population and everyone else, medicare reform, all that stuff that we know better than to allow today. Hold on, I'm getting a message here, it says... "Hunter, you're an idiot, stop pointing out that we're all speeding towards a totalitarian regime at 70 miles per hour or else the secret police will drone you right there in the library." Hmm... You guys write me interesting notes.
September 12, 1938 - More Hitler trivia!
Today he demanded autonomy and independence for ethnic Germans (people of German heritage, culture, and language) living in the part of Czechoslovakia known as the Sudetenland. This was sort of a buffer-zone that ran along the north of Czechoslovakia against its border with Germany. Here's the thing, the Czechs really wanted to keep the Sudetenland, because it was full of mountains and forests, an excellent natural barrier if you're trying to defend against say, I dunno, a psychopathic totalitarian leader that wants to condemn your entire race to servitude for the next thousand years with an army of tanks. Fortunately, the rest of Europe realized that Czechoslovakia was being overly paranoid and they gave the area to Hitler and it appeased him and maintained peace and stability in the region. Oh, on a side note, that peace and stability lasted for about six months before Germany promptly invaded the now-vulnerable Czechoslovakia and conquered it pretty much without a fight. Who could have known? I mean, besides Czechoslovakia of course, because obviously they had known, but I mean it isn't Britain's fault for not listening to them. Totally not. Have I called the English stupid yet today? Well, there you go.
September 12, 1942 - The Battle of Edson's Ridge on Guadalcanal begins. This is just the first day of several, but it's a lot like that Battle of the Tenaru River, you know, with the Marines dug in and the Japanese assaulting with more men than bullets? Lots of dead guys here, the vast majority of them were Japs, but don't let that fool you, they killed at least a handful of our guys. Still, what the hell Japan? They're fucking machine guns... Were you not paying attention to World War One?
September 12, 1943 - Benito Mussolini is rescued from house arrest by an SS special forces group led by Otto Skorzeny. I don't give a shit about Mussolini, but I was doing some reading about Skorzeny because I thought I recognized his name (by that I mean that I read the first paragraph on Wikipedia, obviously) and this guy sounds pretty badass. He's almost like a Nazi James Bond, but more tactical commando-ish. Still, I think I like this guy.
Anyway, that's all for now, have fun with the rest of your boring lives today!
Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:16 am by DaLanMan
