Happy Friday people. Today I've decided to announce a policy that I've had since Tuesday. I'm going to gloss over Roman history for a while, because fuck all you guys who just want to play Rome II and not anything else. You don't like it? Tough. I don't see you guys writing any history stuff in here. Also, you're not allowed to, I'll pull it down, because I'm trying to pout and that would undermine my pouting. Anyway, here's this:
September 6, 394 - The Battle of Frigidus. I don't know anything beyond the fact that this was a Roman battle and that they beat barbarians. Also, it was probably cold. Frigid even.
Lots of facts about exploration today, starting with:
September 6, 1492 - Christopher Columbus sets sail from the Canary Islands. The next land he would see would be miles and months away at the island of Hispaniola. A few months ago I read a letter that he wrote from Hispaniola that he sent back to the king of Spain, and it was hilarious. He had absolutely no idea what was on the island or how big it was, he was just making up shit that they had found. The best part was that the document had been annotated to point out when he was lying, so every time he made something up there was an asterisk. It looked something like this:
"Your Majesty, I am proud to report that I have found one of the outermost islands of Japan.* It is vast, almost the size of your own kingdom.* My men have found many riches thus far, including spices, trinkets, and many fruits like strawberries and rhubarbs.* The natives try to hide it, but there is almost certainly a large reserve of gold here as well.* Also, I want you to know that I love women, have a huge penis, and definitely don't masturbate to your image at night.*
That's word for word what it said, honest.
September 6, 1522 - The
Victoria becomes the first ship to circumnavigate the globe. It had begun its journey a little over a year before as a convoy under the command of Ferdinand Magellan, the man who is commonly given credit as the first European to sail around the world. This is untrue however, as that dumbass got killed in the Philippines whilst trying to do God knows what, probably get laid or something. Good job James, your people's major contribution to history is that you tried to stop it. Well done.
September 6, 1620 - The Pilgrims set sail aboard the
Mayflower from Plymouth. They would later land in Plymouth. Those silly Pilgrims had no idea where they were going. They sailed around in circles until they finally got tired and went home. Only they didn't realize that their home had been moved and replaced by North America. Oh well, one Plymouth is as good as another, right?
September 6, 1628 - The Puritans found Salem, Massachusetts. This town is famous for the Arthur Miller play called
The Crucible, which takes place there during a set of witch trials that TOTALLY DIDN'T HAPPEN, and is an allegorical representation of the Red Scare that plagued Hollywood in the 1950s. Again, I must emphasize the fact that there were not actually any witch trials in Salem. That is a misconception that is commonly believed only because it is entirely accurate and witch trials were held there that took the lives of several dozen people, but that doesn't make it true. Why do you guys let me get away with this stuff? I think you've given me too much power, I'm rewriting history to suit my fancy. I'm as bad as Obama. Well, almost as bad, I'm not black... Yet.
September 6, 1901 - American President William McKinley is shot and fatally wounded by the assassin Leon Czolgosz. This is the only thing William McKinley is famous for. Seriously, Mount McKinley is more famous than William McKinley, so it doesn't count, especially since he didn't actually name it.
September 6, 1939 - The Battle of Barking Creek occurs. I have not the slightest clue why this is called the Battle of Barking Creek, because it was a small friendly-fire incident. Basically this is what happened:
A few days into the war, enemy planes were sighted flying towards the eastern coast of England.* (Note the asterisk, this means that no planes were actually sighted.) So six RAF spitfires were ordered to be scrambled in response. What actually happened was that something like 40 spitfires jumped into the air, and all of them looking for an enemy that nobody had seen, and nobody could have recognized anyway, as most of them had never even seen a German plane before. Sure enough, two spitfires opened up on two other spitfires, killing one of the pilots. The man who died was named Montague Hulton-Harrop, and he became the first British pilot to die in the war. His plane was also the first plane to ever be shot down by a spitfire. Good job England. This is why the Scots stay on the ground and build base defenses, because you can't trust a fucking Englishman to know who's side you're on and not put holes in you. That's probably unfair. And I did that on purpose.
September 6, 1939 - South Africa declares war on Germany to join Brazil in the fight against Nazi tyranny. Actually, if you guys remember, Brazil didn't declare war until 1942. This means that South Africa stood alone against the Nazis for almost three full years. Good job South Africa!
September 6, 1952 - Canada's first television station, CBFT-TV, opens in Montreal. This remains the only Canadian television station, largely because there are only 34 televisions in all of Canada, and 26 of them are owned by bears.
As usual, I demand that you tell someone one of these facts. Or at least claim that you told someone. Come on guys, I need more followers before I can start effectively brainwashing you all.
Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:16 am by DaLanMan
