Well, that was an interesting weekend. Also, fuck you guys, it's my weekend, I don't care about you insatiable lust for history on Saturday OR Sunday, and I only kind of care about it on Monday, but that's not the point. The point is that today is August 26th, and stuff happened in the past! So buckle up people, cause we're about to go on a journey through history and I have no idea how fast it's gonna go, but I've got like a thousand years to cover in just a few paragraphs, so you better keep your hands and feet inside the damned car if you don't want to lose them on a sword or an old dead person or something.
August 26, 1346 - The English defeat the French at the Battle of Crécy during the Hundred Years' War. This is important because it showed the dominance of the English longbows over the French knights, and even over the French crossbows. That's saying something too, because as most of us know from playing Chivalry or Mount & Blade, crossbows are fucking awesome, but they just don't have the range or the rate of fire of a longbow. What is more impressive though is that even with the amount of training that a longbow requires it still manages to beat out the immensely simpler crossbow. The other reason that this battle is interesting is because no matter how it, or any of the Hundred Years' War battles for that matter, I'm always disappointed that it didn't end with both sides just killing each other dead. If only England anf France could both lose... Alas, c'est la fucking vie.
August 26, 1789 - The Declaration of the Rights of Man and the Citizen is approved by the National Constituent Assembly of France. For those of you unfamiliar with any of this, the National Constituent Assembly of France (or the National Assembly, because really guys? You need four words to describe your governing body? No, fuck off, you get two) was made up of what was called the "Third Estate" of France, which was basically everyone who didn't have zillions of dollars or work for Jesus. After being kicked out of the Estates General, which was a sort of French version of Parliament or Congress, they decided to form their own assembly in a tennis court (true story). Anyway, long story short, French people get pissed, they revolt and raid a prison/armory called the Bastille on July 14, and the National Assembly becomes the new government. So basically it was like the American Revolution, only with a bunch of whiny sissy French people who smelled like bad cheese and rotten bread. Actually, that's not true at all, it was nothing like the American Revolution, but the part about whiny, smelly Frenchmen was totally true.
August 26, 1914 - The Battle of Le Cateau. Okay, I'd never heard of this, but I decided that I should see what it was, because hey, that's my job, right? Turns out it actually pretty applicable to those of us who play Company of Heroes, especially any of you who have played with me and my British artillery.
So, in 1914 World War One has just started, and it isn't going well for the British and the French so far. Germany has been chasing the two armies across northern France in an attempt to catch them and destroy them altogether, but they've managed to stay just out of Germany's cold, beer-soaked fingers. With things so close to the wire, the British general decides to act, and he initiates what's called a "holding action", which is an engagement that is purely an attempt to slow down the enemy, usually so that another force, or your own, can get away. The battle begins near a place called Le Cateau-Cambrésis, and it's one of the first of its kind. Up until now, most of the devestating losses have been inflicted by the rapid-firing new bolt-action rifles, and probably a little bit by machine guns as well, but they haven't gotten into their stride yet. Well, at Le Cateau it was all about the new artillery.
Despite being heavily outnumbered, the British were able to use their heavy, quick-loading artillery to fire air-burst shells (sound familiar? God I love Overwatch) and decimate the enemy infantry as they advanced in the open. After holding the Germans back for several hours they finally fell back behind the cover of the French cavalry (look! They finally stopped killing each other so that they could kill Germans together! Tolerance is so beautiful
). Although the general, Sir Horrace Smith-Dorrien, was chewed out by his superior, he was made a hero amongst the troops and at home because his plan bought the British Expeditionary Force five full days to retreat safely while the Germans licked their wounds. It is apparently one of the most successful holding actions in British military history.
August 26, 1920 - The 19th Amendment passes, granting American women the right to vote.
August 26, 1920 - American women stop cooking for and having sex with their husbands. Kitchens are abandoned for years and the McDonald's corporation is born and flourishes.
That last one isn't true, you guys are idiots, why do you even read this stuff?
August 26, 1944 - Charles de Gaulle enters the newly-liberated city of Paris under the guise that he actually helped do something during the war.
August 26, 1978 - Pope John Paul I is elected Supreme Pontiff the Great of Vatican City and the Catholic West... I mean Pope. He's totally not a modern Roman emperor, what are you talking about? Don't be silly.
And there you have it, August 26th, in all of it's violent, sexist, moronic glory. Now go out and tell someone what you learned, especially if that means telling someone that Hunter finds women's rights hilarious.
Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:16 am by DaLanMan
